Happy Birthday My Brother

Today is my brother Matthew's birthday. Well, I guess. It's still your birthday if you're gone right? He would have been 37 today. 37 years old, my baby brother. I would loved to have gone out and celebrate with him. Hell, I'd love to just hear his voice again. 

As you may or may not know, I lost my baby brother in July of 2014. He was 33 years old. He was the baby of the family, the only boy. It's weird to refer to him in past tense.  It pisses me off. You know what else pisses me off? The fact that I have to use the same God damn pictures over and over again. I don't have new pictures with my brother. I never will. I don't get to have new memories with him either. I guess that's how death works. Your life with that person ceases to be. I grow old, he stays 33. 

When my brother died it's like the universe hit fast forward on life. It is speeding by so quickly. It's funny how such a traumatic event can make life go by so fast it's blurry.  It's like I'm just drifting along going through the motions and it just flies by. 

In many ways his birthday is the toughest day. Not the anniversary of his death, or even holidays. His birthday. The void is most noticeable on his birthday. Chances are you know. We've all experienced loss. It sucks. Inevitable part of life they say. Sure, but at 33? Guess age isn't a factor. Terrible things happen at all ages. 

So many things I want to tell him. My stupid phone still reminds me that it's his birthday. I can't bring myself to erase the calendar event. I can't bring myself to delete his number from my phone! In the back of my mind I think I'll need it again. As if once he realizes how much I miss him, he will come back! Stupid, right? That's why I hang on to so much of his stuff. He's going to want it when he comes back. I realize I just out myself as a bonafide nut job. Trust me, I know. 

It's been almost 4 long years without him. It never gets easier. You don't get over it. In my life there is a clear dividing line. Before death | After death. I had a former colleague once ask if I was "still dwelling on that?".  Tried to explain to me that people need to move on. Says the man who has all his siblings.  

It's funny how this crap creeps up on you. Starting about mid February I got really depressed. I realized we were coming into March. Shit. March? The family is supposed to celebrate 2 birthdays in March, not just one! 

So here we are, on the day the 2nd birthday is supposed to be. No cake, no dinner, no gifts. No birthday boy. Not just another day though. This is the day a spectacular human being was born. He made his mark on the world and took my heart when he left. 

Happy Birthday Matthew. 

love, your sister